Beauty, Genius & Absolute Ridiculousness

One Day at a Time

So life has been pretty crazy… despite being down here almost 2 months now – how time has flown – I still am not feeling totally settled in. I’m sure that this is in part because of how this semester has started off… the first month was insane, lots of things to do… lots expected of me, which I managed, didn’t miss a single assignment, but at the same time, it just about drove me insane. I’ve been extremely homesick, which really isn’t going away, but I’m getting better at hiding it. I know I really shouldn’t, but at the same time, I can’t really stop myself from doing it now.

The first month was a lot of insanity with my roommate and her issues, and having to help her get around and going to doctor’s visits, but at least she’s now gotten medical attention, so that’s a good thing at least. But that’s just touching the surface.

I’ve been living in a bedroom by myself since she got admitted to the hospital and will have a room to myself for about 2 more weeks, she comes home on the 30th… it’ll be interesting to see how all that plays out because I REFUSE to be put in that position again, and I feel like if more is asked of me than I signed up for – which was NONE of this… I am going to snap. And it’s not going to be pretty. I’ve been told by people that I shouldn’t be talking about all that is going on because it should be up to her about who knows and all that, but honestly, there is no way that I can go through all of this – it has been rough on me as well – and not talk about it. It’s not like I’m giving away any super personal details. Just the basics. I need people to stop telling me what I am and am not allowed to do, because they don’t know me. It’s all just so overwhelming. It has gotten better, thankfully, but I am still stressed.

I had this major project for my ASL 5 (Deaf 300) class that I had last week, and with all the stress relating that (Take over the full class — 2 hours and 45 minutes — and teach it, only in sign, with your group – we had 4, with activities, and all that… can you say stressful??) … basically I managed to stress myself sick. I’m definitely feeling better now, not back to 100% but definitely better than last week… blah, not fun at all!

I do know that as much as I do love the program and the atmosphere down here, if I knew that there would me this much asked of me because of things that no one really saw coming, I probably wouldn’t have agreed to come down here. I am just so far from home, and at times I don’t know fully how to do this.

I guess, just going on one day at a time for now is the best way to go about this, right? It’s how I’m doing this. As I write this, I’m going over in my head what is expected of me this coming few weeks. I have a few big projects (well mainly just one, but my group, which is meeting today, is starting to bother me as we seem to have a pretty flaky group, and one person hasn’t even gotten back to us if they can get together today, don’t think she likes that we have to meet so late, but that was the ONLY time that worked for all of us… blah! >.< Oh, I don’t like group projects, but they’re required of us, and there’s no getting out of it… darn!), annotated bibliography, part of my term paper for my queer studies class (due next Thursday if I read the syllabus right) and I really need to get started on that. (The annotated Bib, and paper are both for the Queer Studies class). And readings for my Deaf Culture class, as well as filming a video journal for my ASL 5 class. Now that I write it down… yeah, definitely taking this one day at a time. One piece at a time.

I do apologize that this really isn’t as organized as I had liked. It is more how my thoughts are coming and I don’t really have the time to go back and edit. But yeah, just a bit into the life of me down here. And sorry that I’ve taken so long to get an update up here. I will do what I can to get an update up sooner, but no guarantees given how crazy my life can get.

Oh, also, I find it – as a girl who’s grown up in Northern California and is used to the Northern California Seasons, that Southern California weather is boringly predictable. It’s normally in the high 70’s to low 80’s with a breeze… for most of the time down here. I could probably wear my summer dresses that I have down here with me and not be cold… and it’s October. This isn’t right. Haha! I’m still also getting used to the number of palm trees. Oh, the little things that make me laugh.

Hope that you all are doing well!

xoxo

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Comments on: "One Day at a Time" (2)

  1. mcottriel said:

    Hi Molly dear –

    I’ve been meaning to write you lately. I’ve seen your FB updates and a couple of your blog entries and have wanted to write. I was visiting your mom, ya know, that day you had to go to the ER with your roommate, so I know how hard a day that was for you. I realize that you might be using your blog for blowing off a lot of steam, venting frustrations, etc. I just thought I would say, though, that if you feel like you need or want anyone else (i.e. me) to talk with, that you are welcome to call on me (or email me?) anytime!

    I don’t want to intrude, tho, so please pardon me as I’m about to offer just a teeny piece of advice. You have clearly described how difficult the combination of being away from home, having a demanding school schedule, AND being asked to step up to the plate of your roommate’s needs has been, and I worry it may be taking a toll on you.

    But first I want to commend you for holding it all together so far down there. I hear you say “It’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done” and I can tell you that I have also felt that at times in my past. I’m glad you’ve had a chunk of time without the stress of your roommate’s needs weighing on you. But it seems obvious that stress is looming again as you think of your roommate returning. So the question is “How do I go forward and state my needs, my abilities, and limits or boundaries?” That means spending some time to get clear about what you can and cannot do, what you are willing and not willing to do.

    That’s my little bit of advice for you – getting clear about your boundaries. That may sound simple but is not always an easy task. It may require talking to key people at your school. I don’t know who they may be but you probably do: a dorm resident, advisor or counselor? The assistance you have previously given your roommate has been very kind and generous of you and shows your giving nature. But it does not seem reasonable (to me) to expect any student to continue to go far above and beyond a kind gesture now and again. If the needs of any one student are greater than that, consistently and frequently, it is unreasonable to expect other students/roommates to fill those needs. These kind of choices can lend a guilty feeling of pulling back from helping others. But we already know what a caring, kind and giving person you are and your purpose down there at school is to expand your own self in your chosen field of study and you should not have to compromise your potential in that area.

    Okay Mol. I hope I haven’t blown this up too much. You can ignore any or all of it if you wish and I know you didn’t ask for it. And I’ll still be here if you need or want to talk anytime. I may just give you a call sometime soon to see how you’re doing, okay?

    Love you a bunch and I’m rooting for your success! xoxoMargy

    PS – I was born and raised down there so I’m also very familiar with the boring and predictable southern California weather. Enjoy!

    >

    • Hi Margy!

      I’ve been meaning to call you, but then things do come up and I get distracted, one of these days, I will – either email or call, we’ll see. :]
      In a way, I was using it to just get it off my chest, it wasn’t supposed to go the way it went, but apparently it was bothering me more than I realized it was.

      I have been working on trying to figure out how to work things out, and how to set my limits with what she expects of me (mostly to just do the chores that I agreed on before we moved in, not hard to do) vs what she truly wants me to do – helping her more and more. But I’ve been talking to mom about this and setting boundaries is hard – definitely easier said than done. It has been nice with the past month (with another week and a bit to go before she moves back, and as it inches up on me, that’s when things make me think “what if she expects me to be that person that I was before all of this went down?”

      The RA has offered to step in if needed, so I may get her to just moderate something to try to make it less like I’m ganging up on her, and more like I just need to be able to feel less guilty about saying no if I do need to focus more on school. Plus with the fact that she, my roommate, is taking the semester off of classes, so she doesn’t fully understand now that I am here for school, and even though she doesn’t have classes, that doesn’t mean that I don’t – if that makes sense? I definitely do want to sit down with the RA and just have a talk about what my boundaries are, but I feel like I need someone else there, just in case things get bad. I just don’t want her guilt tripping me.

      I do totally agree with you, and I’ve heard the exact same thing from other people, that it’s not reasonable to expect me, or the other two girls in our room, to be there for her because we’re not here to be her care takers… we’re here to go to school and get an education. I feel like she takes us helping, me specially, in those first few weeks, for granted, and I just don’t want her to continue taking that for granted, just because she may need help. If she needs the extra help she may need to find somewhere else to live where she can have the one on one care that she needs. Who knows though. But I do totally agree with you there 100%!

      It’s totally fine, no worries. :] It’s nice honestly to get the same confirmation from multiple people who’re all saying the same sort of thing (I agree with y’all totally! It’s just hard having to be firm and strict, especially when someone tries to guilt trip you into changing your mind.) :]

      I’ll be around, if I don’t answer, leave a message and I’ll give you a call – but I’m free most weekends, and afternoons after 3:15 (just not Wednesdays, as that’s my only later class (it starts at 4 and it goes almost to 7). :]

      Thanks, and haha, yeah – it’s just weird being able to wear flip flops and summer dresses in October and not freeze! It’s nice but at the same time, just weird. Haha! 😛
      I’m in for a temperature shock when I come home for Christmas! *lol*

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